There is no easy season after your husband dies. Every day is painful for the widow, especially those first years. There are constant reminders of his absence all around, all the time. The grief you carry becomes a part of you, sort of like a backpack that’s been permanently affixed to your existence. You can’t remove it or shake it off, and you’re never quite sure how heavy the bag will be on any given day.
And when it comes to the holidays, that load gets even heavier. The impending days of holly jolly (even though you feel anything but jolly) are going to come. Yep. I can confirm it. I just checked my calendar and they’re still marked there, despite any objections I may have.
The anticipation of all these festivities can cause a great deal of anxiety about how you will survive. You wonder how you’re going to handle this time of year when even ordinary days seem insurmountable. So how in the world will you get through the next couple of months?
I wish there was an easy way to unbuckle that heavy load and set it aside, even for just a short time. But unfortunately, no such escape exists for the griever. Pain does not take a holiday. And while you can’t rid yourself of the heartache, that doesn’t mean there’s no hope for you during this season. There are some practical ways you can prepare your heart and choices you can make to help you navigate this time of year.
Here are some things to consider before the holidays come:
Accept Your Limitations
Your life is so different now.
The loss of your husband has shaken you and turned your world upside down. You never dreamed of having to face any day without him, much less the holidays. Everything you were accustomed to changed the day he died. Nothing is the same. Times that used to be special and significant can now seem pointless without your love here.
Whether you celebrated simply or went all out in the past, you probably need to make some changes, especially if this is your first year without him. You can’t expect yourself to do all the things and participate in everything you did before.
I understand this can be hard to accept. You wish life would go back to the way it was. So do I. But we know this is impossible. So as a result, you may fall on either side of this spectrum: you try to keep all the traditions and things you’ve always done, OR, you decide to do absolutely nothing to celebrate.
While there is no wrong choice here, an extreme decision in either direction might not be healthy. Take some time to reevaluate your choices and commitments when it comes to these celebrations – and then do what is best for you.
Keep in mind that everywhere you go, there will be triggers galore that can send you into a downward spiral of despair. It’s like you’re trying to walk through a minefield, never knowing if your next step will detonate into a major explosion.
You’re in a season of grief that is unlike anything you’ve ever been through before. So be mindful of having certain expectations of yourself. Some of them might be unrealistic for you as you navigate this unfamiliar world.
Allow all the Feels
It’s easy to make yourself overly busy this time of year. You can try to distract yourself enough so you don’t have to face your pain. But that is only a temporary band-aid. It’s not a healthy or sustainable approach to deal with your grief. So it won’t last in the long-term.
Finding ways to express what you’re feeling, no matter what it may be, can give you some clarity. It can release some of that pent-up energy that needs somewhere to go. Because if you don’t engage your emotions, they will continue to build momentum and eventually, they’ll blow-up. And when that happens, it will be messy and more complicated to sort through.
And I’m not just referring to difficult emotions here either. I’m also talking about positive ones too. I know widows often struggle with feelings of guilt if they have even a milisecond of enjoyment. Let’s say you laugh out loud when you’re talking to a good friend. Or maybe you say something funny and light-hearted to a family member. When all of the sudden, WHAM, you feel terrible that you felt happy. How could you without your husband here?
After all, you feel like you shouldn’t have any fun now. Laughter and joy can feel so wrong. Like somehow you’re betraying your husband. That it means you don’t love him enough or you don’t care that he’s gone.
If that happens to you, remember it is normal to have these feelings. But don’t allow them to dictate your life and journey towards healing. Acknowledge that thinking as false guilt – and not thoughts coming from God. Remember, just because you have these feelings doesn’t make them true.
And please hear me out. If you get anything from this article at all, hang onto this: It’s not your pain that keeps you connected to your husband, it’s your love.
His life will always matter to you. You will never forget him and will carry your precious memories with you every day. Every step of your journey. Into the next chapter. You are taking him with you. It’s your love that lives on forever!
So allow yourself the freedom to engage ALL your feelings this holiday season. How you feel isn’t right or wrong. It’s just where you’re at in this moment. Recognize it. Accept it. Express it. And give yourself grace for every bit of it!
Attend to Your Needs
As women, we typically put everyone before ourselves. It’s hard to say no to people we love and want to please. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or let them down. As a result, we often go along with and say yes to stuff we really don’t want to do.
If you needed someone to remind you of this, here’s your sign: you have permission to say NO! You are experiencing the most exhausting period of your life and so you must make yourself a priority. Never has there been a more crucial time for you to practice good self-care than right now. Grief saps all of your energy. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. It sucks the life right out of you.
So if you can’t bake the cookies, or do the volunteering, or play the hostess with the mostest this year, it’s okay! This is not forever. Your grief won’t always be as all-consuming as it is right now. It might be hard for you to believe that at this moment, but I can attest it’s true. It will always be hard, yes. But in time and with your cooperation for the process, it won’t always be as heavy and constant.
If you can’t do certain things like you used to, most people will understand. At least the ones that love you will. And the ones that don’t? It’s because they don’t actually get it. Thankfully for them, they haven’t had to experience the gut-wrenching, dark pit of grief you’ve been walking through. And if you’re anything like me, you wouldn’t wish this kind of torment on anyone. In this case, their ignorance is bliss.
So make choices based on what’s best for you. Make yourself a priority, all the time, but especially in this season. And if some people don’t understand, they’re not really good for your life at this point anyway.
Adjust When Necessary
Let’s say you made plans and said yes to something that seemed like a good idea at the time. Kudos to you! That’s wonderful! I’m so glad you’re still engaging in life and trying to move ahead in positive ways. But here’s the thing. You never know how you’ll feel on any given day, much less on a specified day and time for an event in the future.
Maybe you accepted an invite 3 weeks ago and were feeling pretty good about it at the time, but when the day comes, you’re a hot mess. You can’t stop crying and now you really, really don’t want to go. But guess what? You’re allowed to change your mind! It’s not out of the question to cancel. It’s not rude or inconsiderate either. You thought you could do it at the time, but now you just can’t seem to get yourself together enough to go.
Grief is extremely unpredictable and so there is no sure fire way of knowing how you will respond to different situations. You could even already be at an event when out of nowhere you get ambushed. A grief grenade gets silently tossed into your lap and suddenly, it wrecks you. If that happens, give yourself permission ahead of time to leave if you need to so you don’t feel trapped.
Adjust your plans when necessary. Nothing is set in stone for you right now!
Ask for Help
How do you know what to say yes to and what to turn down? Not an easy question to answer. That’s because it’s complicated making decisions about anything when your mind and heart are filled with sorrow. You often feel confused and overwhelmed and so you don’t know what to do.
I would say to seek the advice of someone you trust. Someone that’s been there for you throughout your time of grief. They are consistent and compassionate. They have been patient and persevered with you through the ups and downs of your journey. They have your best interest at heart and know you well.
Ask them what they think you should do. Run it by them first. They can give you some helpful insights based on their observations and what they believe would be good for you. Of course, no one knows you perfectly (only Jesus does). So take their suggestions, consider what you think you should do, and then ask God for guidance. He has given you a measure of wisdom and will bring clarity when you ask for His help.
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:5
And keep this in mind. Since you don’t know everything, you’re making the best decision you can with the limited information you possess. Don’t expect yourself to always make the “right” choice or one that will go the way you think. Life is messy and unforeseeable things often arise, no matter how well you prepare.
Adopt New Traditions
Maybe this year, it would be good to find different ways to enjoy time with your family and celebrate the season. There could be new activities you’ve always wanted to try, but for whatever reason, were never able to try them.
So instead of a large family gathering, you choose to have a small get-together. Maybe you don’t cook a fancy meal, but grab some yummy subs from your favorite sandwich shop instead. Maybe you cancel your annual shopping trip with all your girlfriends, but make plans to meet a few of them locally for coffee and to just catch up with each other.
Whatever it is, feel free to try something different. You don’t have to change everything all at once. But find small things you can do to that are easy to implement and don’t take a lot of planning.
And finally, finding ways to incorporate your husband’s memory into your holiday season is important too. You can implement new traditions to express your love and honor his legacy that are meaningful for you and your family.
For example, this year my girls and I decided we’re going to decorate a separate Christmas tree all decked out in honor of Keith. We’re going to find ornaments that remind us of all the things we love about him. I already came across a really cute toolbox ornament that will have his name inscribed on the side. It’s even yellow just like the one he used to have. It will be fun to search for special items to add to the tree each year too.
Wrapping it up
I know the holidays will never be the same without my husband here. How could they be? He is the love of my life. My favorite person in the world. My life partner for 33 years. The father of my beautiful daughters. We basically grew up together. It’s hard to imagine my life before we met. So many memories. So much love. Keith is a part of me and always will be.
I’m sure I’ll shed lots of tears throughout the holidays. I’ll miss him immensely at every get together I decide to attend. My heart will ache as I’m constantly reminded of his absence and the huge void in our family now. But, I will also reminisce about all the good times we had through the years. I’m sure I’ll laugh a lot too as we tell stories and share sweet memories of Christmases past.
This season, there will be moments of much sorrow mixed with some joy. There will be deep pain and yet abiding hope. After all, that’s what this season is all about. It’s a season of hope.
Hope was born on that first Christmas day. When a babe entered our world in a dingy little manger. The Son of God sent to save us. To save me. To save you. Jesus truly is the reason for the season.
I pray you find comfort and life everlasting in Him, not just for this season, or for the remainder of the year, but for the rest of your given days.
For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. John 3:17
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