When the worst thing you could imagine comes knocking on your door, it changes everything.
That’s what happened to me, quite literally, when a police officer knocked on my door Mother’s Day morning in 2022. It was just an average Sunday morning like any other. Nothing out of the ordinary. I was getting ready for church, using the hair dryer to fix my hair. That’s why I didn’t hear the knock at first.
But when I came down the hallway and turned the corner, I caught a glimpse of a State Trooper’s hat through the window. Immediately, my heart sunk. I knew whatever it was, it wasn’t good.
Even still, nothing could have prepared me for the news he was about to deliver. The words that would change my life forever. The sentence that would shatter my heart and bring me to my knees. My husband passed away that morning while at a home improvement store. Just like that. In an instant. He was here and now he’s not.
Before the worst day, I honestly didn’t know a heart could hurt this bad. Sure, I’ve been through some hard things in life. But nothing can come remotely close to the devastation that has followed the sudden death of my husband. My physical heart aches. It’s hard to breathe at times. It often feels like an invisible elephant has plopped down on my chest, crushing me under his enormous weight.
It’s been 16 months since that awful day, and no matter how many times the reality of his death hits me, it can still be just as shocking now as it was then. To look back and think about how I’ve made it this far is nothing short of a miracle. Only by God’s grace and the love and support of friends and family is what’s kept me afloat.
Those early months and all through the first year I was merely existing. If you can call it that. Like walking through a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. But over the past several months, I guess I’ve had what you could call a turning point. I’ve gained some clarity about how I’ve survived the worst time in my life. I now have a better understanding of what’s helped get me through this dark time.
Here are 3 things I’ve learned about how to live with a broken heart:
Live Dependently
When you go through something as life changing as the loss of a husband, you need help. I don’t know of any person that can suffer through such a tragedy alone. Sure, you could attempt to shut everyone out. You can try your best to stuff it down and keep busy. But eventually, all that mess will come out. And when it does, it won’t be in a healthy way.
This is not a time to “be strong.” Actually, trauma has made me realize how weak I truly am. How vulnerable. How susceptible I am to discouragement and hopelessness. There’s no pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, looking on the bright side, keeping your chin up ideology that will bring healing to your broken heart. All those things are superficial and won’t reach the deep parts of your soul that have been shattered.
What you need in this season is the loving support of others to walk with you through this valley of grief. It’s a necessity! We were created to exist in community. We need other people.
But in this season more than ever, it’s important to have the right kind of people.
You want to look for others that have your best interest at heart. That don’t try to rush you through this time. People that are patient and can empathize with your struggles. They don’t try to minimize your pain by attempting to put a positive spin on your situation.
That’s why I created an online community for widows as a place where they can find comfort and care with one another. A place where they can share their struggles without judgement. A place where they can talk about their questions and feelings and know they’re not crazy.
There’s something special that happens when you find connection with people that understand what you’re going through. It helps to ease the burden of your broken heart just a little bit. It’s helps knowing you’re not alone and that you have people that you can turn to.
Depending on others to help me with my broken heart has been a major factor in my ability to handle such difficult circumstances. I’ve been blessed with wonderful support and I don’t know what I would have done without these people in my corner.
Not only have I depended on a good support system from friends and family during this season, I’ve had to lean on God in a deeper way than I ever had before.
For many years I’ve trusted God to sustain me through some major trials and painful situations. But now, depending on Him and His love is the lifeline that has kept me from going under. He has brought me comfort like no other. He has lovingly listened to each and every cry of my heart. He has patiently allowed me time and space to vent my questions and wrestle through my beliefs, even when He was the target at times.
It’s been my dependance on God and His unchanging character that is good and perfect, loving and merciful, that has had the greatest impact on my journey through grief. And even though none of this makes sense to me and I’ll never understand why this side of heaven, I can say God has tenderly comforted me in the deepest pit. He has continually refreshed my soul, strengthened my heart, and given me the courage to carry on when I didn’t believe it was possible.
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him – Psalm 62:5
Live Daily
I would bet money that every person reading this has heard the advice to take it just one day at a time. It’s cliche. I get it. But even so, the value of applying this truth cannot be emphasized enough.
Think about it. Time is universal. No one gets more. No one gets less. 24 hours in a day is all anyone is given, regardless of who they are. You can’t buy it. You can’t turn it back. It keeps marching forward, whether we want it to or not.
One day at a time becomes more manageable. Anything more than that, especially when your heart’s in ICU is too much to bear. You’ve been hit by a tremendous blow. You need all of your energy to make it through right now. The next hour. The next minute. The next breath. When I would hear the advice to “just breathe” honestly, I thought it was kind of stupid. Until…it was all I could manage to do.
When your mind starts to race with concerns for tomorrow, take a deep breath, and focus on the next thing in front of you. That’s all. Because preoccupying your mind with tomorrow and worrying about things you have little control over creates chaos instead of peace. It paralyzes you instead of mobilizing you to meet each challenge as it comes.
It reminds me of the Israelites in the Bible when they were wandering in the desert. God provided for their needs by giving them food for that day only. He sustained them for the day at hand. And He can do the same for you when you depend on Him to help you with your broken heart.
He gives new mercy every morning sufficient to meet your needs, and yes, even for this. Fresh grace. Sufficient grace. One day at a time.
Give us this day our daily bread – Matthew 6:11
Live Differently
If you’re a widow I realize I don’t have to tell you this, but life is not the same after your husband dies. You continually discover more ways his absence now affects you and impacts every part of your existence. It’s an entirely different world without him in it and learning to navigate this uncharted territory is daunting at times.
When I think about my life now since the worst day there are a lot of words that don’t set right with me. It’s like the English language is inadequate to fully express what’s in my heart. One of them is the word “new” when referring to this time. For now, I prefer the word “different” instead.
That’s because new sounds superior to me. Better than the old. But that’s the angst for the widow. You don’t want a new life. You want the one the one you had. You want your husband by your side, not in heaven. Your story wasn’t supposed to end this way. This is not the life you envisioned, or wanted.
At first, this is terrifying and seems so wrong. Imagining a future without him seems so bleak, so empty. But as you learn to live with your broken heart by depending on others, your faith, and taking each day as it comes, one at a time, this different story for you will begin to unfold. And slowly but surely you will find meaning again. Purpose. And yes, even hope.
You don’t have to like. I sure don’t. But I do believe there’s still more for my life than just pain and heartbreak. I believe there’s good coming in the chapters ahead. I may not be able be able to see it just yet, but I still believe it will happen.
