12,021 Days

Tomorrow marks three years since I last saw you.
Three full trips around the sun since the absolute worst day of my life.

I used to count the days—1, 2, 3…
Then the weeks—4, 5, 6…
Then the months—7, 8, 9.
And somehow, without warning, an entire year slipped by.

How did that happen?
It felt unreal. Like an out-of-body experience.
Like I was cast as the main character in a horror movie—against my will.
A terrifying nightmare I couldn’t wake up from, no matter how hard I tried.

Now those days have turned into years.
It’s been 1,096 days I didn’t think I could survive.
So many of them a blur.
So many where I wanted to wave the white flag and check out for good.
Days spent going through the motions—alive, but not quite living.

Life goes on, right?
But it doesn’t feel like your life anymore.
The absence of your presence hit my heart over and over again,
like a high-voltage jolt that made it skip a beat.
Oh, how it ached inside me.

But what if—
instead of counting the days I’d rather forget,
the ones filled with heartbreak and indescribable sorrow—
what if I count the days I had with you?

Hey Siri, how many days are there between June 9, 1989 and May 8, 2022?
There are 12,021 days.

From one to two.
From two to one.
Two young people who met and fell in love and became one.
I had the joy and privilege of being with you for all those incredible days.

Sure, we had our share of struggles.
But there was never a doubt in my heart that I was the only one for you.
You used to remind me of that often.

I wish I had the kind of memory that could recall every single detail of our time together.
Every moment, every glance, every laugh.
But I’ll have to settle for the treasured memories I keep tucked in a sacred space in my heart—
the ones I carry with me always.

No one made more of an impact on me than you, dear.
I am who I am today because of the way you loved me,
and the life we built during all those days together.

You made me feel loved, secure, and safe.
You gave me children, a home, meaning, and so much laughter.
You were so witty and funny—you could always make me laugh.
Just being with you gave me a sense of belonging and peace.
Even if we were just falling asleep on the couch together.
I didn’t realize how much those simple things meant… until they were gone.

Two kids in their 20s—growing up together.
We messed up, lost our way at times,
but found grace and goodness in our surrender to Jesus.
My life has been made better in every possible way because you were in it.

My heart will always be tied to yours and the great love we shared.
(It’s not over. It’s just changed.)

And now… it’s time for me to start making my days count—
until we’re together again.

So thank you, dear, for being in my life for 12,021 days.
I wish there had been more.
But I promise to treasure the ones we had
and make the ones I have left… count.

“I thank my God every time I remember you.”
—Philippians 1:3